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October 2011

S M T W T F S
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14th Oct, 2011

(no subject)

Haven't felt so happy in awhile.

Not that anything happened that makes me happy .. Just a soft, satisfied happiness. Haha I'm really getting used to this rest cycle of not working Fridays and I shudder to think about what would happen if I didn't have it anymore. Much as it shouldn't cuz I do have enough days of leave and off to pull me through the next 180+ days.

Happy I'm here alone, waiting for someone whose consistency I admire. And love. Happy I'm reading an old book that always makes me want to go on, happy that my lemon tea tastes perfectly unsweetened to me. And slightly bitter. Happy that I haven't received any stupid texts from office. Hahaha actually I have. And a few on top of that, but they're more funny than stupid - which I define to be the asking of questions that are unnecessary. Of course that includes holding full-length conversations of such. The longer, the stupider. And I'm happy that my portobello mushroom burger is still the same and still as good. Watching these people walking around and away from me - to the trains, buses, flights and sometimes simply nowhere, also makes me deeply peaceful. Don't really know why.

It's really such times that make all the problems of all circumstance fade into a light, faraway breeze. What things are, are what we make out of it. But too much of it is subjective, too much of it is emotional, too much of it is unexplainable. If only.

Now I've got the central theme for a dystopian, sci-fi novel.

Love the tranquil afternoon.

And my new desert boots, shades and CK Electric.

--
Livejournal for Blackberry

6th Oct, 2011

The days of old hath dowered us,

Chewing on the passionfruit seeds from the yoghurt and freezing myself off in the room. Love being too cold and wrapped up in my quilt. Feels like back then when I was still in school - those nights I spent studying, with tea and fruits and ice cold beers, whirling my pen and being narcissistic about my handwriting hahaha. 

I can't remember which was my first love. Language, or my piano. 

Equally beautiful, equally subtle and varied and infinitely pleasing when strung together in seamless harmony. I haven't watched chinese shows in such a long time mainly because it is more difficult to get my hands on worthy ones. But this. This makes me so strangely satisfied. Still over 500 years ago. Hahaha I need to be in somewhere else, some time else.

It's something I've not felt in a long time. 

Our Father, by whose servants,
Our school was built of old.
Whose hand hath crowned thy children
With blessings manifold; 
For thy unfailing mercies
Far strewn along the way, 
With all who passed before us, 
We praise thy name today. 

They reaped not where they laboured, 
We reaped what they hath sown.
Our harvest may be garnered
By ages yet unknown;
The days of old hath dowered us, 
With gifts beyond all praise,
Our Father make us faithful, 
To serve the coming days.

Before us and beside us, 
Still holden by thy hand.
A cloud of unseen witness,
Our elder comrades stands;
One family unbroken,
We join with one acclaim -
One heart, one voice uplifting, 
To glorify thy name.



at work

I'm working on my opus magnum. Which has to be awesome. Like the Magnum Gold.

And I burnt my fingers cooking, wrapped them up in colourful plasters.

Can't find my freaking contacts cuz all the branches seem to close down right before I enter them.

Optimus's machine gun is pointing downwards. Goodness knows why.

News iPod touch. Kinda like the white one. And Steve Jobs died :(

30th Sep, 2011

totoro eyes

(no subject)

You know we spend so much of our lives not saying the things we wanna say, the things we should say. We speak in code, we send little messages ...

shattered

I broke my favourite tea glass.

I'm sad.

29th Sep, 2011

(no subject)

If you've got dreams in your heart, 
Why don't you share them with me? 
If dreams don't come true,
I'll make sure that your nightmares are through.

If you've got pain in your heart, 
Why don't you share it with me?
We'll just wait and see
If it was half of it used to be.

If you've got love in your heart,
Why don't you keep it with mine?
I can't promise a miracle, 
But I'll always be trying. 

Lay it down slow, 
Lay it down free, 
Lay it down easy, 
But lay it on me. 

27th Sep, 2011

Only ever downwards

Dunno. Upwards spiral has always sounded strange to me. Maybe it's how the SAF uses it that makes it seem far more than impossible.

But yeah the point is, spirals are only ever downwards. Just like my impression of MINDEF and by extension that machinations that govern this country.

 =^.^=

It would seem that I've gotten my wish. Today is one day that not very many people talked to me, chiefly because only a third of the office is in. Still, it is a rather peaceful day. Plus I've finished all the stupid things I've got to do (first time ever since last July!). Yay me. 

 =^.^=

But still the frigging chief cluck is still clucking remotely texting me about all sorts of random things that really really has nothing to do with her. I'm not fucking registry so don't tell me about collecting files and recording their numbers and whether or not other people have done their work. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. Plus you're not in office. So shuddup. 

 =^.^=

Facebook is a really creepy tool. Really really creepy. The things that it allows people to do are more than amazingly scary. Hmmm. It's not just what I've seen. Hahaha maybe it's what I have done too. 

 =^.^=

Still discontent. Still longing to get out of here. Maybe it's the bad influence that Sam passed on to me. Of late,  I've been starting to count. Trying all ways and means to placate myself and stop an implosion. I've got 7 more months, 2 more AFN issues, 3 more Committee meetings, 1 (hopefuly) more medical review, no more NDP, no more OH.

But it's still so far I cannot see the end. No light to tell me that there's an end to this tunnel. I've been in the tunnel so long that I've lost track of time and maybe it is night so there's no luminescent mark for the end of the tunnel.

Yeah you wish. 

 =^.^=

At least I've finished the application for other people to pay for my education hahaha. So it's out of my hands. 

 =^.^=

I actually don't know why I find it so hard to deal with this whole NS business. It doesn't take alot of effort, it doesn't take alot of brains. It's really nothing I cannot handle. But it is a heavy burden cuz of the environment I'm in. The way they think, the way they do things and the way they find it impossible to do anything without alerting the whole world cuz otherwise noone knows they're working. The way they're so disconnected with reality, the way they are contradicting themselves in every single sentence, the way they misuse words OH LORD SAVE ME that's the worst of them. And perhaps also that the people that are around me are not typically the people I'd choose to be with.

Like my shadow once said - these are the people that I'll keep a hundred yards away just about everywhere else.

Who says things like this -

"Ooh I think we've gotten good footages. Let's follow the signages to go to the tentages so that we can get out of the sun."

The best part of it is that they make up words and misuse them on the second degree. The direction boards are called signages. People's signatures are also called signages. The hand gestures that the marshaller makes are also called signages.

And two moments ago, I had one (in a hundred and six that I have every working day) pointless conversation involving the words OFFICELS (officers), DECEMBAL (December) and VOWT (vault).

Why. Just why. 

 =^.^=

Every time I close a book for the last time, there's always this vague sense of accomplishment and a slightly stronger sense of loss. The thicker the book, the more I feel. At 1076 pages, 'The Pillars of the Earth' has got to be one of the longest I've completed.

It's infinitely exhilarating to dissolve into adventures that are centuries away. I find it so easy to internalise all of the pain and joy and frustration and desire of the characters. So long ago and so far away, yet always thrilling, always engaging.

I wonder if my discontentment with all things current (or modern, really) is the reason why I love stories that take place hundreds of years ago. From the high middle ages in the 1100s from the White Ship and the Anarchy to King Henry II, Eleanor of Aquitaine, and how Robin Hood joins the picture, the Black Death of the 1300s, the Popes of the 1400s, the Borgia family, to the reign of King Henry VIII, Queen Mary I, Queen Elizabeth I in the 16th century. And all the way up to the collapse of the USSR - which was the time when my love for all things died hahaha.

It's much easier to feel for someone else when you read about them in books. So much easier to feel their anger and pain and all the unjust things that happen to them. But why is it so hard for me to even mask my disdain thinly for the people I work with from day to day in MINDEF?

Ah.

23rd Sep, 2011

mohawk

mohawk

"He did what he did what little he could do." 


The beauty of books. 

Wish I had more time to read. I can totally make a life out of coffee, waffles, cocktails and books. The sheer pleasure of it all. I love to write too. Not writing my own novels, no. It's the action of writing that I like. Haha remember those times when I'm depressed and I start copying out chapters of my favourite books just for the sake of it. 

It is therapeutic. To me. Just like driving is. 

The 10 hours I spent reading today is by far the most enjoyable time I've spent in the last 2 weeks. Which isn't saying a lot, actually, given that NS makes walking to the bus stop a meaningful endeavour and hearing SAF personnel string one semantically sound sentence together a hopeful adventure.

Of course seeing my grandmother and listening to her laugh at other people and the gin/tonic/extra lime and new fountain pens adds colour to that list.

And how did we make a date out of dreary Monday mornings, 5am and Starbucks. 

Seriously. 

twenty two zero nine eleven

It is difficult to describe the extent of this exhaustion. 

Especially in this cold weather that I love so much. Recently I've been having dreams of hibernation. Beautiful images. Fluffy pillows and pine cones and a tree hole haha. But always always when the comfort is at its peak, ghostly peals of bells that is my alarm start filling my ears and I fade back slowly into consciousness.

Then again the cold weather comes at a price. The rain makes traffic on BKE a real bother cuz I get inexplicably annoyed when my 168 stalls and my well-timed connecting 187 is lost causing me to miss the 7.16am 177. I then spend the next quarter of an hour standing at the bus stop at Bukit Panjang central feeling sore and deflated having to watch the mass of people around me rush around trying to squeeze onto overflowing vehicles and the occasional outburst of cursing when someone misses his bus. 

Never contented with anything I have. How :(

I have simple wishes nowadays. Real simple.

I wish for one day where noone talks to me in office. Don't ask me anything - your event coverage, details, planning, coordination, statuses, performances of those little louts around me, reporting my location, improvement to the team, directions for the next quarter, design for the next issue yadda yadda. The constancy of the movement (all of which unncessary) in and about really makes me feel like I'm floating.

Not in the mushroom-induced way. Just a disorientating, unbalancing, nauseating feeling that makes me feel like a lone celestial body which has multiple galaxies spinning around me. Oooh they found Tatooine - the planet with two suns! I think sometimes I regard NASA with a salty dash of doubt.

Colours and voices and sounds and papers and files and questions and comments and ideas and stupidty and poor grammar and made-up words (e.g. wordingz) and ridiculous cosmetics and the best of them, vetting half-assed work. Infuriating. 

Even with having 4-day weeks for the past month and the next three months can't seem to jolt me out of that haha. *uproar* the world flips over cuz everyone is jealous hahahahhaha.

Can't run away away away. 

But I got my desert boots to look forward to, given the demise of the leather high-cuts. 

And then and then I really need to start writing that bloody 500 word essay STOP PROCRASTINATING AND GET A GRIP or I'm gonna end up having to pay full tuition fees for uni. That I'm unwilling to do.

So write the essay. It is not that hard. 

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