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October 2011



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Only ever downwards

Dunno. Upwards spiral has always sounded strange to me. Maybe it's how the SAF uses it that makes it seem far more than impossible.

But yeah the point is, spirals are only ever downwards. Just like my impression of MINDEF and by extension that machinations that govern this country.


It would seem that I've gotten my wish. Today is one day that not very many people talked to me, chiefly because only a third of the office is in. Still, it is a rather peaceful day. Plus I've finished all the stupid things I've got to do (first time ever since last July!). Yay me. 


But still the frigging chief cluck is still clucking remotely texting me about all sorts of random things that really really has nothing to do with her. I'm not fucking registry so don't tell me about collecting files and recording their numbers and whether or not other people have done their work. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. Plus you're not in office. So shuddup. 


Facebook is a really creepy tool. Really really creepy. The things that it allows people to do are more than amazingly scary. Hmmm. It's not just what I've seen. Hahaha maybe it's what I have done too. 


Still discontent. Still longing to get out of here. Maybe it's the bad influence that Sam passed on to me. Of late,  I've been starting to count. Trying all ways and means to placate myself and stop an implosion. I've got 7 more months, 2 more AFN issues, 3 more Committee meetings, 1 (hopefuly) more medical review, no more NDP, no more OH.

But it's still so far I cannot see the end. No light to tell me that there's an end to this tunnel. I've been in the tunnel so long that I've lost track of time and maybe it is night so there's no luminescent mark for the end of the tunnel.

Yeah you wish. 


At least I've finished the application for other people to pay for my education hahaha. So it's out of my hands. 


I actually don't know why I find it so hard to deal with this whole NS business. It doesn't take alot of effort, it doesn't take alot of brains. It's really nothing I cannot handle. But it is a heavy burden cuz of the environment I'm in. The way they think, the way they do things and the way they find it impossible to do anything without alerting the whole world cuz otherwise noone knows they're working. The way they're so disconnected with reality, the way they are contradicting themselves in every single sentence, the way they misuse words OH LORD SAVE ME that's the worst of them. And perhaps also that the people that are around me are not typically the people I'd choose to be with.

Like my shadow once said - these are the people that I'll keep a hundred yards away just about everywhere else.

Who says things like this -

"Ooh I think we've gotten good footages. Let's follow the signages to go to the tentages so that we can get out of the sun."

The best part of it is that they make up words and misuse them on the second degree. The direction boards are called signages. People's signatures are also called signages. The hand gestures that the marshaller makes are also called signages.

And two moments ago, I had one (in a hundred and six that I have every working day) pointless conversation involving the words OFFICELS (officers), DECEMBAL (December) and VOWT (vault).

Why. Just why. 


Every time I close a book for the last time, there's always this vague sense of accomplishment and a slightly stronger sense of loss. The thicker the book, the more I feel. At 1076 pages, 'The Pillars of the Earth' has got to be one of the longest I've completed.

It's infinitely exhilarating to dissolve into adventures that are centuries away. I find it so easy to internalise all of the pain and joy and frustration and desire of the characters. So long ago and so far away, yet always thrilling, always engaging.

I wonder if my discontentment with all things current (or modern, really) is the reason why I love stories that take place hundreds of years ago. From the high middle ages in the 1100s from the White Ship and the Anarchy to King Henry II, Eleanor of Aquitaine, and how Robin Hood joins the picture, the Black Death of the 1300s, the Popes of the 1400s, the Borgia family, to the reign of King Henry VIII, Queen Mary I, Queen Elizabeth I in the 16th century. And all the way up to the collapse of the USSR - which was the time when my love for all things died hahaha.

It's much easier to feel for someone else when you read about them in books. So much easier to feel their anger and pain and all the unjust things that happen to them. But why is it so hard for me to even mask my disdain thinly for the people I work with from day to day in MINDEF?